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The Right to Choose
[Extract from FreeToBeMe.com]
By
definition, homophobia is "fear or hatred of homosexuals". Ex-gay
ministries and many orthodox Christians neither fear nor hate homosexual
people. All Christians can acknowledge
that each person has been given the freedom (not license) to live out their
sexual lives according to their wishes.
Equally, Christians should respect that some gay and lesbian people do
not want to be lesbian or gay. There
are also a lot of people who are attracted to their own sex but who would never
consider themselves gay or lesbian.
Reorientation ministries are here for all those people; to offer support
in their journey toward becoming the people they want to be.
Critics
of ex-gay ministries say such attitudes contribute to homophobia. According to
web site FreeToBeMe.com:
It's important to note that those
critics are often pro-gay individuals who've never been gay or lesbian
themselves or gay persons who have not experienced or desired sexual
reorientation. Those who have found help and experienced change report that the
life they lived as gay people was miserable for them, especially after the
initial relief of coming out had passed. And we tend to put more weight on what
they say as, after all, they have seen both sides.[i]
FreeToBeMe says that change happens through process. Sometimes people think that if they pray
enough or wish hard enough, their homosexuality will just disappear. This is an
unrealistic expectation. Changes in the area of sexual orientation happen as a
result of a process, which usually involves some hard personal work. Imagine wanting a vegetable garden. You
could pray for years that vegetables would grow in your backyard. When nothing happens, you might even decide
to be angry at some unseen being for not hearing your prayers. However, the reality is that we must prepare
the soil, plant the seeds, water and weed, and do other work. This gives the best chance that there will
be an abundance of vegetables to harvest.
In
the same way, individuals who want to experience changes in their sexuality
must do a lot of work as part of the process. They need to prepare the space in
their lives for the growth desired. How
long the process of change from homosexuality to heterosexuality takes depends
on a number of factors. FreeToBeMe
and other reorientation agencies contend that some of these factors include:
The root issues that are involved:
The more difficult or complex the underlying factors
involved in a person's same-gender attraction, the longer the process of change
may take. For example, the process may take longer for a person who has
experienced severe sexual abuse in childhood than for someone who has
experienced mild sexual abuse. For one man, most of the sexual abuse that
happened in his childhood was worked through fairly quickly. One particular
abuse incident, however, took four years to work through because of the degree
of shame and destruction of personhood involved.
How much support a person has:
The more helpful things a person puts in place, the better
progress he or she can expect to make. For example, a woman who only attends a
support group will most likely make slower progress than another woman who is
also in individual counseling, involved in her community, and has friends with
whom she can share what is happening in her life.
One's ability and willingness to face difficult personal
issues:
As the process of change involves facing difficult personal
issues and the pain related to these issues, a person's ability and willingness
to face these things will affect their rate of progress. Related to willingness
is the question of whether a person truly wants change. Some individuals say
they want to change, but are not prepared to take serious steps to accomplish
this. A person who thinks, for example, that entertaining a little fantasy now
and then is ok, should not be surprised when change doesn't proceed the way
they hope. FreeToBeMe claims it is not unusual for the process of change to take 5-10 years. This is no reason to despair. They are not talking about 5-10 years of going through hell! Many people change their identity much sooner than this. Significant relief from the intensity of homosexual feelings can also come much sooner. |