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Reasons GBLTQ Want to Change


[Extract from] offers a clear explanation of why homosexuals want to change their orientation.  Many are just plain miserable gay:

In so many ways, ‘gay’ just didn't work for us.  It was so easy to become sex-obsessed in the pornography- and lust-saturated culture of homosexuality.  It was so difficult to feel connected to God or some kind of higher purpose in a life where the mantra seemed to be, ‘If it feels good…nothing else matters.’  We were living in dissonance with the values, beliefs and goals we'd held for a lifetime.  We pined for love and acceptance from men, but it seemed that so many gays so idolized youth and physical perfection that we often felt more rejection from gays, not less.   Still, we kept searching, partly because we didn't know where else to look and partly because we did find moments of pleasure and moments of real connection with good, decent and kind homosexual men. Those were the moments that kept drawing us back to homosexuality, hoping and believing that maybe the next boyfriend, the next encounter, would finally make us feel whole.  But for most of us, the hole inside of us that yearned for male affirmation and acceptance just got bigger the more that we pursued healing in homosexuality. Several of us were plagued by thoughts of suicide. Some of us became sex addicts, no longer able to control our obsessive search for sex. Our lives became filled with darkness.[i]

Paul [not the Christian apostle] writes:

For 12 years, I lived life as an openly gay man. I had a partner of three years who I dearly cared for, a family of wonderful loving friends scattered around the world, a house, a new job, and the prospects of a beautiful life.  There was just one question that periodically raised its ugly head: Why was I so insufferably miserable?

‘I was amazed. I had everything that I ever wanted. Yet, I also felt an incredible black hole inside that seemed to be sucking the life out of me. How could this be? I kept trying desperately to fill it. I read a lot of philosophy, I thought a lot about existence and life, and tried various ways to reach a peace. Nothing worked, not one damn thing. The pain just continued to increase, steadily and persistently. All I wanted to do was cease to exist, to end the suffering.’

In short, we wanted to be men, and we simply defined ‘real men’ as straight men. As much as we tried to convince ourselves that homosexual men were just as masculine as straight men, that there was nothing emasculating about having sex with a man or pursuing the gay interests, we felt inside ourselves that that just wasn't true.

We felt called by God out of homosexuality into what for us was a far better life. At different times and in different ways, almost all of us turned to God in our turmoil, and felt this simple truth deep in our hearts: Homosexuality was wrong for us, and God would lead us out of the pain if we turned to him.

This became a powerful motivator in our lives. Coupled with the fact that for the majority of us, being gay just didn't work, a spiritual hope of eventual peace offered a tiny, flickering light at the end of a tunnel. We walked toward it.[ii]

Paul contrasts his experience with a former male lover to his experience with his fiancé:

I recognize now, although I couldn't see it when I was living homosexually, that my homosexual relationships always had a huge piece missing. I didn't feel whole or complete with men. I was always lacking, wanting something more from them than they could give me. With my fiancé now, the best way to describe how I feel about our relationship is that we 'fit.' Physically, emotionally, spiritually, she fits. She complements the areas where I'm lacking, and I complement her, like a lock and key. And as I grow to love her more, my desire for her physically just keeps increasing. It's easy to see myself as both a companion and lover to her for the rest of my life.

That's completely different from my former relationship with my boyfriend Jim. As I grew to love him more, I grew to desire him (sexually) less. I now know why: I started to love him normally, as a brother, instead of as a lover. I had a tremendous, growing love for him. I adored him. I still do. He's one of the most loving, caring, humble men I have ever met. But our relationship was changing to one where we were companions, not lovers. And that is absolutely consistent with what I saw in other relationships. After awhile, they would become great friends but stop having sex with each other. They would start to go outside the relationship for sex. In 12 years in the gay world, I never met a gay couple that was entirely monogamous. One in the couple has always gone outside the relationship for sex, if not both. Always.[iii]

For some the "Gay Pride" or "Gay Affirmation" wore off:

…it seemed for a time that the answer we were looking for was to accept and embrace our supposedly innate gay identity, ‘come out of the closet’ as a homosexual and claim ‘gay pride.’  In fact, those of us who did so found it to be an exhilarating, freeing experience - temporarily.  No longer were we crippled by vacillation.  No longer were we hiding in shame.  No longer would we beat ourselves up with self-criticism and so-called ‘homophobia.’  At last we were ‘out and proud.’

But no matter how right it was to free ourselves from shame, self-ridicule and self-hate, and no matter how much relief we found in finally getting off the fence and making a decision - any decision - homosexuality still felt wrong for us.  Some of us denied this for a long time but we could ultimately lie to ourselves no longer.  For us, it just felt wrong.  Attempting to resolve our homosexual struggles by killing our conscience felt like it was killing our souls instead.

Almost universally, we felt alienated from God and our spiritual lives.  We were out of integrity with our deeply held values and beliefs that had always anchored our lives.  We felt more alienated than ever from the masculine world of straight men.

Sadly, most of us also found far less healing, acceptance and unconditional love among gay men than we had imagined we would. A common experience among us what that we experienced the gay world as a place that was fraught with promiscuity, lust, obsession with youth and physical appearance, addiction to sex, alcohol and lust. We found judgment, pettiness, spiritual darkness and brokenness. Although we experienced small pieces of healing there at times, for the most part, it only deepened the emotional and spiritual emptiness inside.[iv]


[i], 2/22/02.

[ii] Ibid

[iii] Ibid.

[iv] Ibid.